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I'm Not Losing Me


I had a bad day yesterday.
You know the one—a handful of little aggravating circumstances that haven’t seen results yet topped with a new unforeseen unfortunate circumstance and I broke... big, hard sobs that I had to run and stifle lest I terrify my children.
My bed was my place of comfort until I could cry no more.

God, where are you? My heart cried.
Silence

I know the right answers, the right Scriptures, the right attitudes; but at that moment I was broken—my shield and sword no longer defending but laid aside next to my crumbled self.

Depression’s ugly face taunted me and tempted me to let him hold my hand. This foe whom I hadn’t seen in a long time was here again waiting for me to decide whose side I was really on.

God, why won’t you just miraculously fix this growing lists of challenges I’m facing? Haven’t I tithed faithfully and given offerings? Haven’t I prayed, and fought with Scriptures, and served You? Why am I in this spot?!

The vision of Peter walking on the water toward Jesus then suddenly sinking filled my mind.

I, too, Lord feel like I’m sinking. Won’t you save me?



Then the morning came... a new day has started and my circumstances are still the same; but my heart has changed and I have regained my strength to stand.

I’ve decided. I won’t be following Depression nor rejoining his team. I may not understand the why or the how it is going to get better, but I know I’d rather side with the One who loves me than one who wishes nothing but destruction for me.

So why am I sharing this with you?
Because there’s others, maybe lots, who have to get up this morning and also make a decision.
I hope my vulnerability might be a helping hand.
I’ll leave you with two things that really encouraged and comforted me this morning: a quote from the Names of God devotional by Whitney from the Love God Greatly devotional app, and song lyrics from Rita Springer’s Defender.

"But listen, when you and I continue down the road of anxiousness, we communicate to our hearts and to the world that our God isn't big enough, trustworthy enough, or wise enough to provide for us in His way and in His time. Alternatively, when we rest in the Lord and turn to Him in thanksgiving and prayer, we preach to ourselves - and to everyone around us - that our trust is rightly secured in the grace, sovereignty, and goodness of a God who sees and provides." (Whitney, Love God Greatly)

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Defender
by Rita Springer
When I thought I lost me
You knew where I left me
You reintroduced me to your love
You picked up all my pieces
Put me back together
You are the defender of my heart
When I thought I lost me
You knew where I left me
You reintroduced me to your love
You picked up all my pieces
Put me back together
You are the defender of my heart



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