Skip to main content

I need to be busy...

I'm a doer.
You know, someone who is performance oriented.
I need to be doing something--something productive.
I need to feel needed, wanted, valued, appreciated.
I like checklists--writing them, prioritizing them, finishing them, checking it all off.
I like to feel busy, be busy, sound busy.
For you see, somewhere along my life I learned that this made me feel important, valued, needed, wanted and appreciated.

Right now, I'm in a season of waiting. There are things that I enjoyed doing and/or I would like to be still doing that I know God has told me to say no to right now. Things that kept me busy, made me feel needed, wanted, valued and appreciated.
Last night as I struggled with tears streaming down my face, I poured out my very empty feeling heart to God as I don't understand the why or how of this season of waiting.
Then this morning, a quiet, gentle voice whispered a thought to me.
Maybe I continue to be in this season of waiting because I haven't learned my value yet.
I have always found my value in what I can do, not in who I am.
I need to be busy doing something--something productive (and side not, preferably not just the dishes again, or the laundry, or the child referee)
You know, something to change the world.
Yet, I can't help but feel convicted when I think about that whispered suggestion.
I know the right Bible verses. I have heard the sermons. I know where my value lies.
Apparently, I haven't really believed it yet.
So I will continue to learn how to really understand and believe what my real value is and where it really resides.
Maybe when I've really understood His love and value for me, He'll let me change the world.
Until then, I will practice being joyful in all circumstances as I busy myself with the overflowing kitchen sink.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Big lessons in small packages

Motherhood is hard. I can't tell you the number of nights I worry if I am doing enough, being enough, getting enough parenting answers right. I've always been one to want to get it right the first time. I don't particularly care to attempt something that I think I'll fail. I'm not much of a risk taker. Give me a planner and no uninterrupted plans and I'm a happy person. But kids don't work like that. Let's be really honest--life doesn't work like that. Kids are loud, chaotic, curious, energetic and non-stop. They can't wait to experience everything and I'm nervous about experiencing anything. They soak up all the emotional, mental and physical energy I have during the day and then have the audacity to ask for more energy during the night for whatever reason. There is no day off, no holiday break, no weekends. I am fully responsible to feed, clothe, care for, nurture, teach and protect each one every. single. day. Anyone else feel a li...
Post a Comment
Read more

I'm Not Losing Me

I had a bad day yesterday. You know the one—a handful of little aggravating circumstances that haven’t seen results yet topped with a new unforeseen unfortunate circumstance and I broke... big, hard sobs that I had to run and stifle lest I terrify my children. My bed was my place of comfort until I could cry no more. God, where are you? My heart cried. Silence I know the right answers, the right Scriptures, the right attitudes; but at that moment I was broken—my shield and sword no longer defending but laid aside next to my crumbled self. Depression’s ugly face taunted me and tempted me to let him hold my hand. This foe whom I hadn’t seen in a long time was here again waiting for me to decide whose side I was really on. God, why won’t you just miraculously fix this growing lists of challenges I’m facing? Haven’t I tithed faithfully and given offerings? Haven’t I prayed, and fought with Scriptures, and served You? Why am I in this spot?! The vision of Peter ...
1 comment
Read more

Lonely places

"But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." (Luke 5:16) The word "lonely" stands out to me. It is a word that at a few different points in my life I would have used as the main adjective for my life at that time. It is a word that has a definite connotation to it. There is no apathetic reaction to this word. To qualify as being lonely, this area would have to have been desolate, empty, silent and far removed. Absolute solitude. This is what He sought when He needed to pray. Note that a few words before lonely, the verse says "often." Meaning that this was not a one time occurrence or even just a now and then, but something that happened on a regular basis. From my finite mind, this makes me think that Jesus might have been something like me--an extroverted introvert, or so I label myself. Someone who enjoys being around people and is not shy to make a public appearance but once that energy reserve is gone, absolutely needs to retreat to a pla...
Post a Comment
Read more